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I can still remember where I was the very first moment I felt her kick. We were meeting our good friends for dinner at Sushi Den. It was super crowded, the light was so low I could barely see people sitting at the east end of the bar. I was leaning up against the column that divided the hostess stand from the space where happy hour folks, dinner folks and sushi bar folks intersected. It felt like a bird flapping their wings against the inside of my belly button. Despite countless strangers surrounding me from every direction, at that moment it was just me and her existing in that space. ⠀
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It was the first moment I allowed myself to love her. It was the first time I allowed myself to believe that I might ACTUALLY have a successful pregnancy. I was only 15 weeks along, so that acceptance of my pregnancy only lasted about 3 minutes before I retreated back to protecting myself emotionally by detaching myself from the potential of motherhood. ⠀
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Looking back now at my 5 miscarriages, I feel an overwhelming sense of purpose. I feel resolve. I feel at peace. Byrdie Mae was absolutely MEANT to be my daughter, I was born to be her mother. I cannot imagine any other child than her. I had to go through those losses before conceiving her. It does not negate the pain, it does not dissolve the mourning, it does not erase the feelings of hopelessness. But it does make everything appear so much clearer.
This week I am in #saltlakecityutah for the 2nd of 3 week-long storytelling workshops for my Advanced Year Long Mentoring Program. While each of the students are working on their own narratives, I sent everyone to the Utah Scottish Festival and Highland games to shoot a small story there first. The idea is that we all were in the same place, seeing the same people and events, but to reinforce the idea that intrinsically we all see differently. I’ll be sharing some of my students’ work this week at @kirstenleducation both in the feed and the stories.
I made @mollyreesphoto and myself also shoot. I have started playing around with flash more and it was a super fun day of shooting for me to push myself outside of my familiar.