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Dear "rainbow baby" (not a term I love, but a term I will tolerate for the sake of being understood and relatable): Before you came, my life was in a constant state of turmoil. Nothing was happy, I was void of purpose and light. The sun still rose in the morning and set in the evening not because I willed it to, but simply out of habit. I would go through the motions of keeping myself alive, but for what I could not have told you. I was a shattered mess of what I had once been and my mere existence was laborious. Life felt impossible. Then you came, screaming and determined to make the most out of the shells of parents you had been given. And I melted, because I didn't know how to feel this love again. I was scared you would leave, and I would be left how you found me. But our bond was unrelenting, and demanded to be nurtured and felt. You, without even being conscious of it, demanded me to be your mother and learn how to do all of the things I once longed to do with your sibling. You, my love, are a force of nature I recognize well when I look at those who have come before us. You made living easier. You gave me heart again and for that, I thank you. But there is something you need to know. *cotinued in comments*

When I take pictures of moments I want to remember, I always scan over them and wonder where Senna could fit. It doesn't take more than a few seconds, but it happens almost every time. It's a little ritual I engage in without even thinking about. It's a way my brain and heart keep Senna present. It's a way I subconsciously remember. • In this photo, I can see Senna and her brown curls peeking out through her jacket while she sat next to Cyan on my right thigh. • For those who are privileged enough to be ignorant to the heartache of infant loss, this might seem morbid or cumbersome. It might seem like I'm "dwelling" on the negative or engaging in some sort of unhealthy behavior. They would probably say my energy would be better spent "healing". These people were known piss me off, but now I ignore them. The can ridicule me all they want, but unless they find themselves trying to navigate the world after losing their child, their words have no weight with me. Until they know what it is like to have every moment of gratefulness be met with a fleeting ping of guilt or longing, I will ignore them. • How beautiful and freeing it is to accept life and death. How powerful it is to know the love of a parent knows no bounds, not even time or death. • #parentingafterloss #rainbowbaby #infantloss #perinatalloss #infantlossmontreal #perinatallossmontreal #perinatallossawareness #infantlossmontreal #refugeingrief #itsokaynottobeokay #bearingtheunbearable #miscarriage #stillbirth #fetomaternalhemmorhage #grieveoutloud #griefsupport #miscarriage #stillborn #pregnancyloss #infantloss

10:55 and I can't sleep. I keep replaying the moments of my day where life just felt unfriendly. • When I overheard someone talking about how much easier it is with just one kid, I took a deep breath. • When I forgot who did and didn't know I have a dead baby, I fumbled trying to explain the handprints on my necklace. • When I sat at a table with three happy kids eating spaghetti when there should be four. • When Cyan played in the playground with someone who is the same age as Senna would be. • Every time I took a breath, because it reminds me it is another breath you're not taking. • When someone else had a healthy baby. • It's 11:03 now and all I can think about is how sad it is, and how it's my every day. • It's no one's fault. Other people's living their one lives just hurts sometimes. •

I am well into my second year without Senna, which means I'm basically an expert at grief by now, right? • Wrong. • I'm on day three or four of a grief slump. I have really good, bright days full of love and sunshine but then hit a wall when the apartment great quiet and I'm laying in bed. It doesn't matter what tactics I use to try to fall asleep. Right before REM captures me, my eyes fling open and I find myself Inna familiar place. • Senna is dead. • You would think I would stop wondering at what point my experience with grief is "too much". If, somehow, I am taking it too far and have become so out of touch and unaware that grief has become some sort entrapment. That what I'm doing is unhealthy. Like I can't have anything good in my life anymore because I always end up back here. • But then I remember, this is all coming from a place of love. I can't pour my love helping Senna say Hanzo's name, or learning how to get water from the fridge. It comes out in other ways, and right now this is what it looks like. • So instead of wondering if it's too much, I'm going to take a deep breath, remind myself that this too shall pass, and just quiet say to myself "I love you, Senna". Grief is not inherently bad, and I need to accept this is just a part of life now. To grieve is too love, and you can't have too much love. • I have a lifetime without my child in front of me. It will never be too much. •

"when will she move on?" they say behind my back "one day, she will have to let go" they insist Never. Never ever. I might be moving forward, but never away. ❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️