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Do I wish things were different?
With all my heart I really do!
Do I wish it had never happened?
Not at all!
To have never happened would mean that I would never know you Grace.
And as much as my heart hurts and my soul aches since losing you I could never wish it hadn't happened at all. Because that would mean I would never have felt you kick in my tummy, I would never have seen you wriggle, I would never have given birth, held you and kissed you and I would never have felt the power of the love I have for you.
The pain is here because you were here. I'll take the pain every day because it meant you were here and you mattered. Because of you I know a love that I didn't think was possible.
I would never undo your existence just to undo my pain.
#babyloss #stillbirth #stillborn #tfmr #brokenhearted #lifeaftergrace #letterstograce #babylossawareness #pregnancyandinfantlossawareness #grievingmother #timetotalktfmr #stillbornstillloved #stillbirthawareness #vilomah #pregnancyloss #bereavedmother #angelmama
#angelmummy #bereavedmother #baby#babylosscommunity #mybabyisnotatriggerwarning
.
I murdered my baby.
Did I?
I didn’t though did I?
Words that echo in my head, bouncing around uncontrollably.
As I replay events leading up to his birth, I wonder if I had any real choice at all.
As most of you are well aware, I’ve been accused of murdering my baby ‘just’ because he had Downs Syndrome.
It wasn’t just that.
It was also another rare medical condition that meant he would have only survived a few months after his birth, IF he even made it that far.
It seems to me that sparing your much wanted child a short, tragic life of pain and unbelievable suffering is actually the more humane option, and actually makes someone a better parent.
Why would you choose to make your child suffer?
To watch them die at birth, or shortly after, having only known distress and anguish?
All our babies ever knew was love.
They were created with love, grown with love and their life ended with love.
Their legacies live on with nothing but pure unconditional love.
Their brothers and sisters are our rainbows. We DO deserve that title.
We have weathered an unimaginable storm, battling against grief, guilt, shame and joy.
I suffered in silence, afraid to speak up, fearful of judgement similar to what I have received today.
It lead to postnatal depression so severe, I tried to take my own life, believing that I could never be a good enough mother.
This is real life, real experiences and real trauma.
This happens to women every day; because human reproduction is fucking hard, it may be a natural process but natural doesn’t mean easy, and yet we are too afraid to talk about it.
Too afraid of being accused by uneducated bullies who prefer to hide behind a keyboard.
I will continue to be a voice and I will continue to speak up.
If you are reading this because you’ve recently searched a particular hashtag - in the hope of solace or you want to find words of optimism in this hellish journey - then you are really not alone.
#talkingabouttfmr #timetotalktfmr #beingavoice #speakup #speakout #postnataldepression #postpartumdepression #rainbowbaby #tfmr #tfmrandmentalhealth #shareyourstory #powerinnumbers #youarenotalone #mumssupportingmums
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My darling angel baby,
Silent from the start.
Your footprints echo loudly,
As you dance upon my heart.
Your brothers feet have learned to walk,
And now they’ve just learned to run.
His little feet like to dance too,
I bet you can see him having fun.
His little feet don’t want to rest,
They only want to play.
Whilst your tiny feet stay so still,
I’m so sorry it remains this way.
Footprints so slight and small,
But only one will last.
The other will change each day,
And grow up very fast.
#timetotalktfmr #angelbaby #brothers #rainbowbaby #talkingabouttfmr #footprints #littlebabyfeet #tinytoes #alwaysinmyheart #babyloss #parentingafterloss #rainbowmummy #tfmr
Grief is more than just missing someone.
It is an unrelenting ache.
It is a pain in your heart that never goes away.
It is wishing for your reality to be different and knowing it can't be.
It is knowing that what is done, cannot be undone.
It is words unspoken and things that should have been.
It is a heartbreak that never fully heals.
It is unending.
Just like our love #babyloss #stillbirth #stillborn #tfmr #brokenhearted #lifeaftergrace #letterstograce #babylossawareness #pregnancyandinfantlossawareness #grievingmother #timetotalktfmr #stillbornstillloved #stillbirthawareness #vilomah #pregnancyloss #bereavedmother #tfmr #grief #babylosscommunity #lifeafterloss #grieving #angelmummy #angelmama
I have struggled the past week to be able to put into words how I’m feeling, let alone write it down.
I’ve been very open and honest about our story, but this past week I’ve felt the need to really protect myself, and therefore have been quiet on here.
The shock is wearing off and I’m beginning to process the enormity of what I’ve been through.
Then I came across this quote and it resonates with me so much.
I could have missed this part of our lives out completely, like it never happened - as many do.
But that’s not my truth, and that isn’t me.
I’m not ashamed of the choice we made, as much as it forever pains me.
I won’t be part of a taboo, and my daughter certainly will not be either✨
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I’ve tagged a few of the lovely ladies who have inspired me on this journey, for many different reasons...✨
They think because I smile that I'm okay.
They think because I laugh that I'm doing well.
They think because I'm not taking anti depressants that I'm not suffering.
They think because I get up and dressed every day that I'm not hurting.
They think it's been almost 6 months I must be getting over it.
I'm not.
I'm hurting more than ever. People seem to be forgetting what it is we have lost. Hardly anyone speaks her name anymore. I wonder if some people even think of her at all.
I'm growing tired of the added pressure I'm under to be okay. I feel as though I'm being drowned under the weight of people's expectations. The waves of grief are still crashing into me. I am so tired of fighting to get through every. single. day.
I miss my baby.
#babyloss #stillbirth #stillborn #tfmr #brokenhearted #lifeaftergrace #letterstograce #babylossawareness #pregnancyandinfantlossawareness #grievingmother #timetotalktfmr #stillbornstillloved #stillbirthawareness #vilomah #pregnancyloss #bereavedmother #tfmrtuesday #griefandloss
Just received some of the images from Grace's mri scan.
I'm absolutely broken seeing my baby girl alive. She looks so perfect how can it be that she was so so poorly. I know her brain isn't right there although I don't really know what it should have looked like.
How I miss her being tucked safely inside my tummy kicking away. She wriggled the whole time during that scan. All I remember is fighting back the tears because I knew that scan was the make or break of my pregnancy.
I'm so sorry baby girl. You have no idea how much I wish I could have kept you here to be in my arms. I wish I could have saved you.
#babyloss #stillbirth #stillborn #tfmr #brokenhearted #lifeaftergrace #letterstograce #babylossawareness #pregnancyandinfantlossawareness #grievingmother #timetotalktfmr #stillbornstillloved #stillbirthawareness #vilomah #pregnancyloss #bereavedmother #lifeafterloss
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