parentsdying support grief careforyourself colourtherapy deathofchildren divorce ebbandflow healing healingcolours healthissues hope illness jobless lifeloss lossofpartner love movingforward notalone rememberitisok sadness suicide sunshinecoming wearehere widowers widows disenfranchisedgrief community lgtbqplussupport peace wearehere
Since dad moved into a nursing home in February my brother and I have been taking it in turns to spend our weekends with him. For my weekends I alternate going on my own on the train and road tripping it with my husband (Alex) and son (Luke). -
Friday morning we’re heading up and I can’t wait. The weeks between visits seem to be so long these days. We text and talk but it’s very little as dad doesn’t have the energy, spending most of his days sleeping. When I am there I sit, he sleeps. I read, sometimes we watch daytime TV together. Sometimes we don’t talk much, that might seem weird, not talking when we’ve so little time together. But the beauty is often in the silence. A comfort level only found between incredibly close people. A place where words aren’t needed because there is nothing left to say but I love you and we say that by being there. -
#ourparentsaredyingletstalk #sickfather #parentsdying #sickparents #cancer #loss #grief #instasupport #talkinghelps #letstalk #roadtrip
I’m sat by my 2 year old’s bed listening to distance church bells chime midnight. He’s been up and down since just after 10pm. This weekend we haven’t helped ourselves by letting him come in with us when he woke unsettled in a strange room at grandad’s house. Now that’s all he wants, to sleep with mummy and daddy. -
At this age he needs and looks to us for comfort and reassurance throughout the day and night. When he falls in the playground there is that split second when he looks to see my reaction before deciding whether it is something to cry about or whether he should pick himself up, dust himself off and carry on playing. -
As an adult it can be so terribly difficult to pick ourselves up, dust it all off and carry on. Tomorrow at 8am I’ll be at my desk ready to start a new week, regardless of what is going on at home our Singapore office still need to know about their regional programme and the responsible business matrix won’t write itself. After a tiring and emotional weekend I will pick myself up and carry on. -
There will come a point when I can’t carry on. When it all gets too much. The key to survival is trying to see the signs. After mum died I ignored the signs, kept working, kept socialising, pretending I was coping, that I was ok. I crashed less than two months after she passed away. Literally. Into a pavement falling out of a taxi. Ended up in a German hospital with a fractured eye socket. -
I’m trying to be better to myself this time round. Thinking about self care and allowing myself my moments of tears when I look to others for reassurance and they tell me “that had to have hurt, you cry if you want to”. After tears there will be cuddles and then slowly I’ll be ready to play again.
#ourparentsaredyingletstalk #sickfather #talkingaboutcancer #parentsdying #fatherdying #midnight #selfcare #reassurance #pickyourselfup #dustyourselfoff
Friends. Sunshine on cloudy days. #grief #love #sadness #support #careforyourself. #hope #healing #wearehere #notalone #rememberitisok #movingforward #colourtherapy #healingcolours #suicide #widows #lossofpartner #deathofchildren #divorce #jobless #parentsdying #illness #ebbandflow #sunshinecoming #widowers #lifeloss #healthissues #LGTBQPlussupport #disenfranchisedgrief #loss #community
Even with the pollen an inch thick (it adds a subtle pastel hue to the color motif of the porch — if you have to “have” to be positive). .
I do love the no humidity of April in N.C. The pollen is pretty much intense. But she comes in Aries so it is expected. .
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Spring is so intense in its arrival.
The bursts on the scene. They are everywhere. .
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I’m so comfy sitting here on my porch swing, drinking my coffee listening to the birds sing and the crows bark. .
The dogwood is my favorite flowering tree and it is also the North Carolina state tree. Our state bird is the beautiful cardinal. I would send my dad messages through the cardinals after he died. Dad was my first real death. And if you ask me it happened when I was too young. But when are you ever able to let go of a parent — the first love you knew?
Well, time for #coffee and some work. Happy end of week ya’ll.
#porches #southernliving #parentsdying #grief #porchletters #memomuse #NorthCarolina #pollen #april #aries #spring
Day 71: Not sure this is scientifically accurate for everyone, but it's true for me!
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Today I asked my therapist how I can stop living in an imaginary world and actually see the reality of situations. She asked for an example, so I launched in:
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"I know this is sooooo stupid, but I can't stop thinking about [the ex–Imaginary Husband]. I know it's totally insane, and even if we WERE together, I bet he's not even the guy I imagine he is! I'm such a stupid dumdum!!"
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She said, "I'm hearing a lot of judgment. You're 'stupid,' it's 'insane.' Often, judgment clouds us from seeing the truth. Maybe instead of trying to block out these fantasies [that word made me gag a little], you should lean into them, think MORE about them, and see what they're really telling you. What need are they filling? And once you remove that judgment, you might also be able to see why you feel like you've ALWAYS got to be in a relationship."
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So I lifted an imaginary veil of judgment and as soon as I got in the car, this serial-monogamy revelation hit me:
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I'm an only child and I have old parents, so I was terrified of death when I was little. I'd cry before bed and spiral, "But what HAPPENS when you die Where do you GO? WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME WHEN YOU GUYS DIE AND LEAVE ME ALL ALONE?"
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My mom often said, "Yes, Dad and I will die someday. But by then, you will be married and have a family of your own. You won't be alone."
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In trying to comfort me, I think she imbedded something into my child logic: The way to protect yourself from terrifying aloneness is to have a husband and kids.
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So that's what I've been trying to lock down ever since, via serial monogamy, without realizing why.
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But I'm not a child anymore (although I don't feel like a full adult—I'm currently wearing a Ninja Turtles t-shirt). My adult brain tells me that even if my parents die, I won't be alone. I have friends. I have other family members. I do have a daughter!
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So I need to keep all of that in mind while I lean into the "fantasies" [shudder]. And perhaps go t-shirt shopping...
The language of colour when there are no words. #grief #love #sadness #support #careforyourself. #hope #healing #wearehere #notalone #rememberitisok #movingforward #colourtherapy #healingcolours #suicide #widows #lossofpartner #deathofchildren #divorce #jobless #parentsdying #illness #ebbandflow #sunshinecoming #widowers #lifeloss #healthissues #LGTBQPlussupport #disenfranchisedgrief #peace #community
Sometimes a wee smile just has to come. Taking a break from the intensity. Remember, It’s OK. #grief #love #sadness #support #careforyourself. #hope #healing #wearehere #notalone #rememberitisok #movingforward #colourtherapy #healingcolours #suicide #widows #lossofpartner #deathofchildren #divorce #jobless #parentsdying #illness #ebbandflow #sunshinecoming #widowers #lifeloss #healthissues #LGTBQPlussupport #disenfranchisedgrief #peace #community
Breathe. Take a deep breath and breathe. Remember, It’s OK. #grief #love #sadness #support #careforyourself. #hope #healing #wearehere #notalone #rememberitisok #movingforward #colourtherapy #healingcolours #suicide #widows #lossofpartner #deathofchildren #divorce #jobless #parentsdying #illness #ebbandflow #sunshinecoming #widowers #lifeloss #healthissues #LGTBQPlussupport #disenfranchisedgrief #peace #community