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Today as I finally boarded my flight on @delta that had been delayed at least 4 times, I saw her.
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She was a mom with 2 boys—1 almost 1 and one about 3-4 who was behaving so well to have been stuck at the airport for HOURS. I saw the familiar look of exhaustion and just needing anything. As we stood in line to board, I hesitated to let her know that if she needed help, I could. But I did.
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I let her know that I was a mom of 3 and if she needs help to just signal me. And then I saw the tears she was fighting back and asked if she needed a hug. As she quietly cried into me, she said she was so tired.
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Whew... I get this so intimately.
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Do me a favor and leave an encouraging comment for a mom who may or may not need the words. Tag a mom who may need to see it. And then SEE each other and the work that each of us is doing.
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Wheels up! ✈️
I used to have a really difficult time finding my joy and connecting to it. Even if I really wanted to be joyful, live in joy, and express it, I found myself being mad all the time and so wrapped in my rough exterior that I just couldn’t.
This caused me a lot of frustration and insecurity because I was afraid I was being perceived as something I actually wasn’t. That I had BECOME hard, mad, protective, distrusting, and distant over time as I had to learn to make it in my circumstances, survive trauma and literally stay safe everyday.
But what I felt deep down inside was love and kindness. Who I felt inside was joyful and giving.
Living disconnected from myself and not knowing how to get back was hell. I had moments of joy but I didn’t know how to have joy on demand despite my best efforts. And I’d get really defensive and upset when someone would give me feedback about these parts of myself because I knew who they were talking about wasn’t even me!
I found it very difficult to connect with others from that place of joy when I couldn’t connect with it in myself.
Even when we moved to this beautifully nurturing place of Hawai’i, for the first few months, I would catch myself just being mad! When there was NOTHING to be mad about. I had literally changed my entire environment by moving across the ocean but that was just a sliver of the work that needed to be done.
Although I had done a lot of personal healing, changing my actual physical environment, especially to one so full of aloha, joy, and nurture, I was faced daily with that tension I felt and realized to get to the place of joy I wanted, I had to make different choices.
It was really intense and intentional for a year as I tried to actively CHOOSE joy and to express it in action AND become aware of my own debilitating and negative thoughts and then CHANGE them. It was NOT easy!
I’m still very much in practice but today, I’m grateful that I can say I am myself and am able to find, connect to, and express my deep joy inside. I am no longer lost in my layers of anger and defenses but can dance in this joy for all to see because it’s truly me. I AM FREE