Список из самых популярных хештегов по теме #SECUREATTACHMENT

Those who have a Dismissive Avoidant Attachment style grew up with caregivers who were neglectful or not attuned to their needs a large majority of the time. Their parents often would discourage them from “crying” or having “needs” which caused them to feel deeply unseen and rejected. They learned to suppress their need for physical or emotional comfort and often developed an auto-regulating system. Having an auto-regulating system works great when you live alone, but it makes it super challenging to let others in for a more connected and mutual experience of intimacy. . . As adults, Dismissive Avoidants rely on mostly themselves, and can have an inflated “sense of self” to cover up their deep fears of aloneness. They tend to be highly career-oriented and minimize the importance of close relationships. . . When they enter relationships, they avoid tending to the needs of their partner and can unconsciously create distance to protect themselves. They can do this by focusing on their partners “flaws” or by spending very little physical time with them. That helps them block intimacy from forming as well as prevents them from having to be vulnerable. They can also sometimes struggle to fully let go sexually and can seek out less-committed relationships to fulfill their physical and emotional needs. . . If you resonate with this attachment style, please know you can become more secure over time if you are willing to acknowledge your disowned needs. You can begin your healing journey by making sense of your story and by taking small risks of vulnerability with those who earn your trust. . . It will not be easy to face the level of pain and neglect you have experienced, but there are people who will want to be part of your journey. There are people out there who will want to witness all the parts of you that were not acknowledged the way they deserved to be the first time around. But it is ultimately up to you to make space for those people. It will be up to you to decide if you will be willing to open the door for them. It will be up to you to stretch your tolerance for intimacy and to allow people to have a front row seat in your life. #coachingwithsilvy

People that are anxiously attached grew up with caregivers who were sometimes really present and attuned to them, and at other times, not attuned to them at all. That inconsistency causes enormous anger and confusion for a child. Those who identify with this particular attachment style can approach closeness and intimacy in ways that might push their partner further away. . . They might struggle to understand what their own needs/desires are and can then project their internal experiences onto their partner as a result. One of the the biggest tools I teach my more anxious clients is to learn to articulate what is actually happening inside of (them). That can feel very (foreign) and scary to do because they are so used to their true needs not being met consistently. . . If you are more anxious in your attachment style, that is your work. That is your edge to grow. Your practice is to learn to take small risks and observe if your partner (wants) to show up for you even if they aren’t always able to. Your practice is to offer yourself in “clearer” and more “direct” ways so that you don’t buy into the false story that no one wants to be there for you. . . To all my anxious folks out there .. I see you. I know how hard it is for you to share and ask for what you need. I know how challenging it is to simply be direct with those you love. I know how scary it feels to “not know” if someone will catch you as you share your needs. But you must. . . Those who are right for you will be able to handle your needs (even if) it’s challenging for them sometimes. Those who are right for you will see how giving you are and will value how much love you have to offer. Those who aren’t capable of meeting your needs will fall away from your life simply because they won’t be a good match for you. And you deserve to know who is truly capable of loving all of you .. and not just parts of you. #coachingwithsilvy

It’s important to know our limitations, but it’s also equally important to have a sense of what we can aspire to. Again, please keep in mind that we can identify with the behaviors of (more than one) attachment style. In fact, I don’t know any human that doesn’t have at least a few disconnecting behaviors. We’re humans. Not robots. . . With that said, someone who identifies with secure attachment grew up with a caregiver who was sensitive to their needs. Their caregiver was present and (consistent) enough times that they felt safe to rely on them. When they needed comfort, they were able to signal to their caregiver, and their caregiver was able to respond appropriately. . . This doesn’t mean that their caregiver didn’t make mistakes. Sure they did. But secure attachment develops when caregivers are able to (sense) their mistakes quickly and can make the necessary repairs to restore connection. Due to that level of consistent attunement, that child then develops a healthy internal regulating system which helps them to soothe themselves. . . As an adult, those who have strong securely attached traits tend to be more collaborative and sensitive. That are strongly connected to their feelings in ways that helps them express their needs directly. They are used to having someone be there for them consistently so they have an easier time trusting. . . Those who are securely are great partners. We all ideally want to move towards modeling the behaviors of secure attachment so that we can have win-win situations too. Whereas those with insecure attachments (anxious, avoidant, fearful) often get stuck thinking of only themselves, secure individuals are always trying to always think of how both partner’s can succeed and feel safe. . . We can all learn to become more secure if we want to. It takes courage to explore our unhealthy and self-focused tendencies. It takes courage to become more collaborative especially if we grew up not trusting those we depended on. But every single one of us deserves to have relationships that are mutually supportive, sensitive, and safe. #coachingwithsilvy . . What stood out to you the most in this post?

Our attachment styles are coping mechanisms. . Coping mechanisms can shift. . You’re way of relating to people is not fixed. So, if it’s causing you discomfort or isn’t quite the way you’d like it to be you can begin to change it by taking small steps each day. . One thing that can really help is to be in a relationship that offers security and responsiveness. . But, what if you don’t want to be in a relationship? Or aren’t in one? Or you have a partner that isn’t willing to meet those needs? . You can still create what we call “earned secure attachment”. . Here are some things that help: Being a parent to yourself. How well are you taking care of yourself? Are you eating? Sleeping? Saying uh uh and no, no to bad habits? . Heal your shame stories. What’s the narrative you’ve created around your unworthiness? . Process your childhood trauma and grief. Allow yourself to explore the pain they caused and what your experiences took away from you. . Respond to things as a securely attached person would - every day, push yourself to respond to situations which cause you discomfort in a more secure way - keep that promise to yourself. . Build self esteem - Develop a hobby, get really good at something, feel proud of yourself. Work on your negative self talk. . Create a coherent narrative of your childhood little T traumas and big T traumas to make sense of your reality. . Do you have a story of how you developed a more secure style in adulthood?

I wanted to reintroduce this chart for those of you who are new to my page. The Attachment Styles is the core framework that my work extends from. The theory was created by the joint work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. Essentially, the attachment styles developed based on how we were emotionally responded to and comforted by our primary caregivers as a child. Some research also shows that our first romantic relationship can greatly impact our feelings of safety and trust in our later adult relationships. . . As you look through the 4 attachment styles in the picture above, I invite you to think of them more on a spectrum. We can be mostly secure and still have some anxious or avoidant tendencies. We can be mostly anxious and still have some areas where we feel very secure. . . Our attachment style is absolutely influenced and affected by our choice in partner. If we are in a relationship with someone who is not willing to comfort us in our times of deep distress, we will naturally feel more anxious and clingy. If we are in a relationship with someone who comes to us for all of their emotional needs, we may feel more avoidant. . . The key to having the knowledge of the attachment styles work in our favor is by bringing a deep awareness to them. It’s also by choosing to call ourselves out when we act in ways that pushes our partner away or dismisses their valid needs. . . We are wired for (healthy) dependency. This is not the same as co-dependency. We are wired to turn to someone we love in moments of distress so that we can feel more regulated. This repeated act of receiving comfort actually helps us develop a healthy internal regulating system so that we can then regulate ourselves. A lot of people think that this co-dependency .. but it is not. Some people are already partnered up with someone who is actually (regulating them) without their awareness .. and so they don’t understand. It‘s even harder to understand this need to depend in healthy ways because it so counterintuitive to what we are often taught. #coachingwithsilvy . . What comes up for you as you look at the chart? Has your attachment style changed at all?

We will attract our partner when we are willing to face ourselves. That includes our own perceived flaws, and any other parts of ourselves that are still hiding. When we are willing to face the pain that comes along with the joy. When we are willing to work though our attachment wounds. . . Relationships are what wound us. Relationships are also what heal us. . . That is why we (need) intimate relationship to move through our unresolved traumas. We can’t even (see) most of our attachment traumas until we are knee-deep and feel safe enough with another person. . . No amount of self-love technique will prevent us from having this stuff come up at some point. . . I don't care how many workshops, lectures, books we attend and read .. we will NEVER feel fully ready to dive into a new intimate relationship. . . One day you will meet someone who you will deeply love and they will probably scare the hell out of you at the same time. Because you will see so much of yourself in their presence. . . That’s how we attract someone .. it’s based on a recognition in our brain. We will choose partners that are some combination of ourselves and our parents and all the other important people in our lives. . . That doesn’t meant that we just “accept” someone because they feel familiar to us. Goodness no. We still have to do the work of determining if that person is actually willing to do the work with us. We still have to determine if the person is triggering us in healthy and heal-able doses. We get to determine if they bring enough safety and comfort to meet us right where we need to be met. #coachingwithsilvy

Those who have an Anxious Attachment Style grew up with caregivers who were (inconsistent) in their emotional availability. Sometimes they were deeply attuned and available, and other times they were neglectful or attuned in ways that were invasive to the baby. When a child’s primary needs are not responded to in appropriate or consistent ways, a child becomes deeply confused. They will still make attempts to “reach” for their caregiver not knowing if the comfort will actually ever come. . . As adults, they are highly sensitive to anything that might lead to loss of connection. They have (activating) strategies that turn on when they sense a (perceived threat) and can act out in unhealthy ways to try and regain connection. They can often overlook red flags and put others on an unrealistic pedestal. They care deeply about staying close and often feel an insatiable longing for connection. And that makes complete sense. Not knowing if love and connection will come from their main source is a terrifying and deeply disorienting experience. . . The first step in healing this attachment wound is by being willing to acknowledge the deep anger and confusion that lives within them. That ability to validate and not abandon their own experience is what will help them become more discerning and present with others. . . For my anxious folk, healing this attachment wound will not be easy. It will require your willingness to feel loss of connection sometimes. But you will soon realize that momentarily loss of connection does not always mean the loss of the relationship. . . It will require you to be more mindful of choosing safer partners that clearly show their desire to care and comfort you. They might feel boring at first, but your nervous system can slowly learn to become attracted to those who bring you peace. . . It will require you to slow down and only share little bits of yourself at a time. You will begin to see the difference between those who want to meet you in vulnerability .. versus those who continuously keep you at arms length. I am sending you so much courage on this journey <3 #coachingwithsilvy

❤️ this from• @kaitlin.vanosch I see this allllllll the time - people mistaking attachment parenting with building a secure attachment. . Attachment parenting was introduced in response to the harmful parenting recommendations made by Emmett Holt (a pediatrician by the way!) and John B Watson, who advocated against breastfeeding, against holding, cuddling or playing with babies, and for cry it out. Attachment parenting was somewhat built on attachment theory, but also on the theory that babies are born premature, so they should be kept in close proximity to adults day and night. I dont disagree with this, however- . we shouldn't mistake attachment parenting for sitting on the floor entertaining our babies the whole day. And we definitely shouldn't think that if ever our baby or toddler cries, it means they aren't securely attached to us. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ In fact, two of the biggest predictors of a child building a secure attachment to their parents are: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ 1. Whether the parents have made sense of their childhood experiences and triggers/traumas (we all have them!!) and 2. How consistently, accurately, and empathetically we respond to our children when they are upset. . Now, if we haven't done the work for #1 (identified our triggers) it's going to be really hard to do #2 (empathize with our children), without actually viewing their experience through *our* own lens. . What I mean is this - if you felt unheard and belittled for your big feelings as a child, chances are the tiniest bit of upset from your child will trigger those same feelings. You might feel yourself getting reallllllly uncomfortable the minute they start to cry, so you do whatever you can to avoid and prevent it. . This can be problematic because crying is either communication, or healing, or both! When you are unable to cope with crying, and try to avoid it at all costs, you aren't aren't actually gifting your child the space and security of healthy emotional expression with a calm, attuned caregiver. Contd below...

{Secure Attachment} . Developed when we know people are there for us but they also allow us to be there for ourselves. A balanced dance between connection and autonomy. . When we are afraid but they tell us they believe in us and cheer us on. When we get on stage with a nervous tummy and a red face and they sit in the audience and give a thumbs up - “you’ve got this baby!” . When they are afraid but they let us do it anyway - “have fun on your trip bud!” - because they know they need to let us grow and learn. . When they say they will be there and they mostly are. And when they aren’t they are emotionally mature to own it and apologize. . When they allow themselves to be imperfect, because that’s what being human is. And their ability to accept imperfection guides our own abilities to accept it too. . We develop it when we say we have a feeling and they help us regulate it instead of making us feel like we need to help regulate them. . We develop it when they choose to heal their own trauma. When they can coherently understand what happened to them. When they’ve identified the pain. Because, when they do this, the subconscious become conscious and they can choose how to parent better because they feel safe. And when they feel safe, so do we. .